I have been fortunate to find someone in this big beautiful world that I get to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who laughs at all of my jokes, joins my dance party whenever life calls for one, drags my butt to step class, flosses my teeth, gives me strength & courage, is thankful for my chubby thighs and big green eyes and makes me the happiest girl in the world. Last year, I found the greatest love of all. Myself.
I didn't always feel this way. In fact, I can't really remember another time that I felt this way at all. Love was always something I looked for. An action, a feeling, an expression, a gift - all things I tried to find in others. I have always felt entitled to the love of others no matter what....and in the same breath, always left disappointed when it wasn't the "love" I wanted to receive..."She didn't come out to my birthday...", "He didn't buy me flowers on Valentine's Day....", "That person cut me off....didn't hold the door....nobody loves me...Waaaaaaa". I lived a life of "You hurt me! You're mean! YOU YOU YOU." Ugh...it was nauseating.
This doesn't mean I haven't had love in my life (surprisingly). I'm just not sure I have always seen it for the beautiful gift it is - mainly because I had very little for me. There is the love of my parents, where all love originates. That kind of love is so pure that nothing will ever break it. There's the love of a big brother..."tough love" in every sense of the two words combined. There's also "friendship love"...the few people in your life you can really get deep, drunk and stupid with...and wake up the next day feeling thankful they didn't post it on facebook. Then, there's "found love". I met my husband at 24 when we were both voluntarily doing something we loved for ourselves...improv. comedy at Second City. Looking back, it's pretty clear that because we were in such blissful, joyful fun, we attracted that in each other....and it's been the glue in our 10 years.
The thing is though, and what I have come to (fortunately) realize... while all of these are blessings, none of these are as strong, as pure, or as important, as SELF-love....and THIS, I found in the lowest of low, deepest of the deep, most painful rock bottom of my life I have ever seen. Self-love has been my saving grace, the toughest climb, and the only way out of some pretty dark moments.
Old habits die hard though. A couple of weeks ago I heard someone say "YOU are the most important person in your life" and for about 3 seconds I thought...."that's the most selfish thing I ever heard"....but the loving, giving, most generous side of me said "Oh yeah....it's MY life. I'm here to love me so much that it just oozes out to others...and if I don't love me, who will?" You see, we owe it to the world to learn the greatest love of all is within ourselves. Because once we are secure, confident and in pure blissful love with ourselves, it is only then that we are able to give the purest form of it away. When you give yourself this gift, nothing in the world can break you.
So - wherever you are and whoever you're with today, this day that Hallmark tells us we need to spend money on others to show them we care (which, don't get me wrong, can be cute, and sweet and lovely too) ...let us all remember to close our eyes, look within, find that glimmer, and let it shine bright. We owe it to ourselves, each other, the sun and the moon and the stars. We owe it to this life to have the greatest love of all. Love for ourselves.
In Happiness and Health,
Natalie
